Walls

ME:jump off a cliff. i have a heart Beth I don’t like it I can’t do this I can’t feel I can’t have emotions and this is why I go crazy batshit crazy because there just too much like I feel too much when I feel. I haven’t let myself feel anything for a long time I run at the first sign of anything other than just happiness and now my walls are down now im like hey im open to a relationship and he’s like BAI
Her:Whoa hold on. Are you ok? Are pushing the “emergency I’m crumbling and need my roommate” button?

Me: Why is it the one guy im like hey i could do this with is like mmmm no your good to fuck but thats it ill date other girls just not you
Her: Did he say that? Have you talked to him?
Me: Am I crazy did I read more into this than I should have I know its only been like two days but I had accepted that I wouldn’t hear from him again and then he continually pops up in my life then randomly quits
Her: You need to ask him. Send an email if you have to. But lay it all out there and see what he says. I’ll help you write it.
Me: Im not emailing him AGAIN
Her: So you did before?

Me :Honestly I just want to know why I am not good enough, like what makes me different that he can sleep with me but not want to date me obviously he has something for me or he would not have stayed in my life this long or drove to see me? Right?? yeah freshman year. I think that is why this hurts so much like its not that I have feelings but i literally feel like im not good enough or something I don’t think he meant to make me feel this way but that is how I feel
Her: Ok but obviously things are different now then they were. But yeah email is probably not good. Maybe call him and have a conversation so he has to respond,

Me: What do I say. like hey jackass I like you I deserve a chance I feel like shit because you turned into a major A whole al of the sudden
Her: You just say “hey. I just need some clarity. Is this just a friend’s with benefits thing or do you have feelings for me? Either way is fine but I need to know for my own sake”

Me: why can’t i just like a guy that is good and kind and sweet like I pick people like this all the time but i really do like him… Like what the hell is wrong with me, and he did freaking pursue me and then continue to talk to me and then just quit like I get he might be bust but like I know he’s going a wall. I have a lot of pent up crap sorry… I just can’t keep it in anymore
Her:It’s ok. I understand. You have two ways to go. You can either choose to forget it and let whatever happens happen (even if that means he doesn’t reach out to you again until the next time he wants to come have sex) or you can call him and have a conversation with him that may or may not go the way you want.

It sucks and feels like neither of those options is good or easy, and I wish I could do it for you and make it better. I’m sorry boys suck
If you were me what would you do?