Walls

ME:jump off a cliff. i have a heart Beth I don’t like it I can’t do this I can’t feel I can’t have emotions and this is why I go crazy batshit crazy because there just too much like I feel too much when I feel. I haven’t let myself feel anything for a long time I run at the first sign of anything other than just happiness and now my walls are down now im like hey im open to a relationship and he’s like BAI
Her:Whoa hold on. Are you ok? Are pushing the “emergency I’m crumbling and need my roommate” button?

Me: Why is it the one guy im like hey i could do this with is like mmmm no your good to fuck but thats it ill date other girls just not you
Her: Did he say that? Have you talked to him?
Me: Am I crazy did I read more into this than I should have I know its only been like two days but I had accepted that I wouldn’t hear from him again and then he continually pops up in my life then randomly quits
Her: You need to ask him. Send an email if you have to. But lay it all out there and see what he says. I’ll help you write it.
Me: Im not emailing him AGAIN
Her: So you did before?

Me :Honestly I just want to know why I am not good enough, like what makes me different that he can sleep with me but not want to date me obviously he has something for me or he would not have stayed in my life this long or drove to see me? Right?? yeah freshman year. I think that is why this hurts so much like its not that I have feelings but i literally feel like im not good enough or something I don’t think he meant to make me feel this way but that is how I feel
Her: Ok but obviously things are different now then they were. But yeah email is probably not good. Maybe call him and have a conversation so he has to respond,

Me: What do I say. like hey jackass I like you I deserve a chance I feel like shit because you turned into a major A whole al of the sudden
Her: You just say “hey. I just need some clarity. Is this just a friend’s with benefits thing or do you have feelings for me? Either way is fine but I need to know for my own sake”

Me: why can’t i just like a guy that is good and kind and sweet like I pick people like this all the time but i really do like him… Like what the hell is wrong with me, and he did freaking pursue me and then continue to talk to me and then just quit like I get he might be bust but like I know he’s going a wall. I have a lot of pent up crap sorry… I just can’t keep it in anymore
Her:It’s ok. I understand. You have two ways to go. You can either choose to forget it and let whatever happens happen (even if that means he doesn’t reach out to you again until the next time he wants to come have sex) or you can call him and have a conversation with him that may or may not go the way you want.

It sucks and feels like neither of those options is good or easy, and I wish I could do it for you and make it better. I’m sorry boys suck
If you were me what would you do?

What am I doing

So I just felt the need to shout into the void tonight. It’s been one of the roughest years I’ve weathered thus far. Moving states switching majors the whole time wondering if I’m adequate, fighting doubts and fear that always seem to creep up on me. Here they are again screaming and yelling telling me who did you think you could kid, you are talentless, you have no skill, what are you going to do with the rest of your life. It just hits you, you think this isn’t so bad, then bam everything in your head wants to know how you ever thought you could? I mean I’m surrounded by super talented people and then there’s me, I don’t fit in here I don’t fit in there, I suck at well everything. I often joke is quitting an option, but I don’t know how… Why did I come back this is why I left. I just want to feel like I’m doing something right for a change and not constantly screwing up. One of these days I keep telling myself I’ll get it right, one of these days I’ll know, but I don’t know and 20 what the hell. I just keep hoping there will be a sign and I’ll be like yeah obviously, but no there isn’t so I’m stuck wondering and left annoyed and depressed, and when I try to talk to people I just get more depressed! I don’t know let me know what you think, I need help.

Christmas Time

“Let every steeple ring a bell with a joyful tale to tell, In the week that Christmas comes.”
-Eleanor Farjeon
-Christmas is my favorite time of year and my favorite holiday. It is a time when we slow down, take breaks, and see family. It is a time of joy and remembrance. Movies like the grinch and Christmas Carol remind us that presents and materialism is not the reason for the season, but giving and bringing other joy. Our minds our brought to the ultimate gift when Christ sent his one and only son to be born, not in a palace but in a manger because there was no room in the inn. I think thats what gets me the most that the savior of the world, was born in a barn. We complain about the gifts we are or are not getting or how lines are too long or how someone didn’t say the politically correct term. When in reality none of that matters. Its so easy to fall into the commercialism trap that the stores set up, when really the best gift has already been given. So this Christmas take time to think about all you blessing, your family and friends, and be thankful for what you have because there are those who have so little and yet they are so much more content than we Americans. I know I struggle with it too. It’s so hard not to want the next new thing, but then I think about my friends in Haiti who really don’t know where there food is coming from and yet they were so joyful. My rant/ post is over I’m going to post some Christmas quotes. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and remember that Christmas isn’t about getting its about giving.

Is There

Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes I wonder, I pretend to be a loner to love spending hours alone in my room truth is I hate it! Here’s the even sadder truth, I have no relationship with my father, we sit in awkward silence when together, crazy he can have full on conversations with my siblings but not me, any close friend i have ever had I have somehow lost. God and I’m alone at night and I wonder is there something wrong with me? I wish I knew, there are days where I feel like the only person I have in the world in my mom, and that just sounds so depressing and pathetic. Ya know its like god why even make me if im just gonna be alone for forever. I’m bitter and angry. Since no one I know reads this BETH I’m so pissed at you! I tell you that hey you hurt me and what do you do say your sorry, and act like its all better, don’t do anything to change. Crappy friend goes to you congrats. I don’t know whats wrong with me I wish I knew.

Shower Epiphanies

I love my shower time ( I know I know your thinking wow this already starting off weird but stay with me) I like to cut loose and dance, or just be alone with my thoughts(another scary thought) So I’m watching the voice and then I’m in the shower thinking how awesome it is that those kids/ adults are chasing their dreams. I recently started to chase my own dream only to become very disillusioned in the end. All my life I wanted to be a fashion designer from the time I was three to now its been all I have ever wanted to do. Well here I am I get the guts to chase that dream, I transfer collages change majors uproot my life just to realize how wrong I was. This led to be being angry, depressed, and very bitter (go back and read some other posts). So I as I am thinking how mislead I was in chasing this pipe dream it occurs to me that my style( or lack thereof) is all costume, I love to dress a part. I go full out in whatever I feel the clothes saying I don’t really follow normal style guide lines. My previous major I felt at home I felt like I fit in and that I did not stick out like an elephant amongst a million giraffes. Its been a long journey to get here to finally feel like I have some direction, because for a while I was lost in the desert. So here is something that kind of made me realize how much I truly love costume design (please ignore the inconsistencies and disproportions)

Belle in the 1920s again please ignore my poor drawing skills

Belle in the 1920s again please ignore my poor drawing skills

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Still feel like writing.. I just want to say thanks to everyone who reads this or follows me it means a lot..
This year has been a rough one, especially with friends. I have lost some people who I will always cherish in my heart and gained some amazing people along the way. One friend and I in particular had a temporary falling out. She pointed out to me that I was not being the best friend I could have been part of me wanted to drop the friendship and say good riddance, but I am so glad that I didn’t because not only this girl still one of my closest friends but she also has helped get through this year in one piece honestly I don’t know what I would do without her. This semester has also made me rethink some friendships that I honestly thought were unquestionable and its shaken me, more than I like to admit. One friend in particular I have felt just hasn’t been there for me, and honestly it hurts, Im the kind of person that whatever you need im there no matter what. I thought based what I had observed they were the same, but it seem that is not the case or maybe Im just not good enough. I have observed them drop everything for others in the past so I’m left with the question why not me? I have been questioning my self worth a lot lately, wondering if people really think I’m worth the time,or if im honestly good at anything. I question am I good enough daughter because it feels like my sister is always just going to be better, her shadow not even attainable. It sometimes seems to me that I am not based on other around me. I started to cry as I was writing this because I’m honestly being transparent as possible something that I don’t do ever. I have a lot of walls and this is the only place I feel that I can put them down. And I can still barely do it. Let me know what ya think be honest….

When life hands you lemons…..

It’s finally November and I can’t explain my joy that Thanksgiving is on its way. When life gives you lemons they say to make lemonade, but have you ever tried to make real lemonade, IT’s hard, it takes effort determination, and will power. That phrase today gets tossed around all the time, I don’t think that anyone nowadays realizes that that saying means you have to actually work to turn the situation upside down. I recently have had to realize that myself. I have recently become disillusioned, and I now have to figure what direction I want to go in. Its a bitter sweet realization that My childhood dream no longer exists and new dream is beginning to take hold. I have no clue where this path is leading me, but a path is a path and I’m excited to see where it leads. It would be nice if munchkins or Glinda would appear telling me which road to take but I’m on my own and I’m learning thats okay. It’s high time I learned to stand on my own two feet, and even though I’m not fan of being clueless of what the future holds I know I can survive. If thats all learned from this semester it will be enough. I guess that all got for right now..

Hey guys

Hey,
So it has been a while since I last posted. In my last post I was very depressed and still am. Mainly for the same reasons, however they are not as bad as they used to be. I have made some awesome friends here at college and I gotta say I love them dearly. I however still miss my friends back at my old college. Honestly my depression still stems from the same reason my desire to leave and go back to my state. Idk I just needed to talk sometimes I just feel like theres no one. I’m going through a major transition, in which I am questioning everything and everyone in my life, while feeling lonely all the while. I’m fighting battles I never saw myself fighting and I’m losing and I wonder how did I get here, what led me here when did I arrive and decide this was a good place to stay? Why does it affect all aspects of my life. Sometimes I see myself running as fast as my legs can carry me. Far away from all I know and able to hit restart. Is it weird because I’m just feeling lost.

The struggle

So it’s been longer than a little while since I last posted, not because my life has been crazy swamped, but because I just felt lonely. The kind of lonely that immobilizes you. I switched schools, and the second I got there I realized I had made a huge mistake. I cried non stop for the first week or so and now I have the tears controlled, but an overwhelming desire to leave. I miss my old school old friends old major, and not only that but I find myself questioning my self worth and I really good enough? Needless to say I have been fighting an uphill battle to which I keep getting knocked down. I know that I honestly don’t know any of you but I am really struggling here, anything that you have to offer encouragement wise would be appreciated, greatly.

Mask Off

I love to write, I buy tons of journals excited because they all begin blank, then I slowly fill the pages with random thoughts, musings and babbles. I write because sometimes I can’t talk to anyone else. Fear of judgement or just being left.. That happens a lot.. I have made so many dumb choices in my life, and sometimes I am so proud of my stupidity and other times it brings tears to my eyes. I am a storm with highs and lows, and the world suffers at my wrath. Maybe thats why I have gained and lost so many friends. Maybe thats why the one person who successfully ran with my heart threw it at my feet. My poor battered heart that I have no one to blame but myself. I know that these words will fall to strangers and thats how I like it. I battle depression a lot thoughts of why do I exist cross my mind and sometimes I cry for no reason other than that I hate my life and what it has become. I want to run so far that I can’t even find myself. I want to be someone who I once was, or the girl I should be. I feel trapped I hide in my room and wish I could do something have someone to lean on. I with my harsh tongue, and sturdy walls have pushed everyone away… There are those who would have me, but I will not have them. Does that make me the cause of my own suffering? Maybe so, but even still they are bad for me and I for them I have come to realize I am poison, maybe for all who know me, or maybe just for them I know not, but either way, I run. I put on a smile, and then it fades. I fake happy to please the world. I have hurt people, and that pains me. I have hurt myself I deserve it…